I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Randomize