It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
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