I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
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