I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
He? As in you personified your dick?
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
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