OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
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