You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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