I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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