just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
