I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
whose parrot is this?
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Randomize
