I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Randomize
