I'm going to jail i love you
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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