worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
