I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Randomize
