drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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