I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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