2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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