you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
