Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
Randomize
