im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
