Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
