bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Randomize
