if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
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