dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
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