her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
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