Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
