I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize