I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Randomize
