There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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