can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
