The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
