Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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