first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Randomize
