I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Randomize
