Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
