So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize