he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
