hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
