Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Randomize