If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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