I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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