the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
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