My nipple is on Facebook.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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