i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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