when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
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