im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
