please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Randomize
