Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
you inspire me to be a worse person
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
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