Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
