I molested 6 butterflies tonight
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Randomize
