Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
this boner is exhausting
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Randomize
