just come out here and I will go home with you...
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Randomize
