I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
