please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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