there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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