You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Randomize
