I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
