So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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