So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I'm too high and old for this...
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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