Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Randomize