Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
